How to Eat a Burger at 100 Kilometers an Hour

Normally I don't condone doing anything other than driving when it comes to driving. No talking on cell phones, no texting. I rarely even condone eating anything other than simple finger food such as fries or chips, and drinking (non-alcoholic of course), but today for myself was a bit of an exception.

I was having a very strong craving for a burger while I was on my way to my class this evening. When I crave burgers, it has to be a burger from Triple O's or White Spot. Mmmm... I love the Triple O sauce, which I am convinced is some sort of mixture of mayo, ketchup, and perhaps some sort of cheese sauce... perhaps it's better to not know! Anyways, so I pull into the local Triple O's Drive Thru and put in my order.

The first portion of my meal, that being the fries, went well as I was driving my way to school... but the burger part was quite difficult. Firstly, for those of you who know me will know just how small my hands are. Thus due to my hands being ridiculously small I have a very hard time holding a burger with one hand. Basically, until I had eaten enough of the burger to be able to hold it in one hand, I had to wait until I was stopped at a red light in order to take a bite.

Secondly, unlike snack wraps or donairs where the food is nicely wrapped in an envelope-type tissue paper that you can simply shimmie down in order to keep the food wrapped while not eating the paper, burgers are round and most often not wrapped in a pouch-like wrapper, so you have to fold the paper around and underneath the burger so that you do not end up with a whole load of condiments and lettuce falling in your lap. Again, doing this while driving 100 km/hr with tiny nible hands is very hard to do.

Lastly, you know how at the end of the burger you sometimes end up with a little bit of bun, a larger portion of burger, and more condiments on your plate then burger in your hand? Well put that inside a not-so-well folded pouch-like tissue paper... Imagine me driving on the highway with this little bit of bun, a larger portion of burger, swimming in Triple O Sauce, wrapped in a large amount of tissue paper. I debated eating this last bit of my burger, but when it came down to it I knew that if I were to simply dig in I would have Triple O Sauce all over my face.
All in all, the burger was well worth the trouble.
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Speaking of burgers, I heard about this super large burger that you can get at a West Michigan Whitecaps minor baseball game.It has five beef patties, five pieces of cheese, nearly a cup of chili, lots of salsa and fritos (corn chips) on an 8-inch sesame-seed bun. It's calorie count is 4800 calories. To put that into daily caloric restrictions, my calorie intake per day should be between 1200 and 1250 (in order to maintain my weight). Thats approximately 4 days worth of calories, almost an entire work week's worth (say that aloud five times fast... bet you can't) of calories.

I dunno about the rest of you, but this makes me want to vomit. Who would be able to eat that in an entire sitting? I don't even want to know. Apparently if you can eat this $20 dollar burger in one setting, you can get a free special T-shirt. I'm not sure I can speak for everyone else, but for $20 I can-and would prefer to- buy a new T-shirt (special or not) without having to engage in massive gluttony.